Lila's Surprise Birthday Bash
by Casey Crystal
Summary: Casey is back! And just like Lila, I kind of posted her birthday story a little late (opps) but here it is finally! Happy (belated) birthday Lila, I do hope you enjoy this! As usual, reviews are greatly appreciated!
1. Default Chapter

LILA'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY BASH!

Casey's Note: Hey everyone, Lila's birthday is Aug 19! Now ***ALL*** of you must celebrate or I'll hurt you! We can't have her feeling so lonely on her birthday. This features (tada!): Most of the FF7 characters, Lila, Kally, Kari, moi!!! (Erm, not that I'm trying to take all the attention…), and our nemesis's Pyro, Lily, A=Brat, K-os, and the PRO. Please review and say "Happy Birthday Lila!" while you're at it, or else!

* * * * *

Casey: Hey guys, Lila's birthday is today!

Rufus: So?

Aeris: That means we've got to get ready. *claps* Oh I can't wait!

Reno: Does this mean I've got to do something special???

Kari: Wanna strip?

All: KARI!!!!!

Kari: *laughs* Sorry.

Casey: *shakes her head* You're not sorry at all.....

Kari: Y'know, you're right. *smirks*

Kally: Wait, does anyone have a big enough place for this party??

*All eyes turn to Casey*

Casey: What? If we have a party here then Pyro might be able to get in here! And plus it's too obvious. Lila may stumble onto our plans.

Pyro: The girl's right.

Kally: Hey you're not in this scene! *throws Pyro out the door and locks it*

Cid: Oh, locking the door, that might help! Maybe if you always lock the door they can't get in! *scarcastic voice* 'Let's just keep the doors unlocked and of course Pyro wouldn't think of walking in!'

Kally: You know, sometimes I wonder about what Shera really puts in that tea of yours.

Tifa: Then who would have a big enough place that Lila will never think of sneaking into to see her surprise?

Sephiroth: OOO! *raises his hand* She would NEVER go to Lily's place!

Casey: Awesome idea! Reno, go to Lily's place and ask if she'd let us hold a party there.

Reno: You could NEVER bribe me enough to send me over there! *shudders* NEVER EVER EVER!

Kari: *holds up a bottle of beer*

Reno: *swipes the beer from Kari's hands* I'll DO it!

Kally: Yay! *throws the red-head out the door* Now, what are we going to get her?

Rufus: A straight-jacket!

Cid: I'm sure she already got one.

Yuffie: Why don't we give her a chocobo?

Sephiroth: *perks up* Chocolate-covered chocobo?

All: *stare at Sephiroth*

Yuffie: You're disturbed!

Sephiroth: What? They taste good!

Kally: Alright, Yuffie, you go buy a baby chocobo, Sephiroth, don't you EVER do food arrangements for ANYthing.

Sephiroth: *stares off into space, dreaming of chocobos*

Yuffie: Alright, one ugly chocobo, coming up! *dissapears in a flash of smoke*

Casey: Kari and I will go buy the food. *hugs Rufus* Bye-bye Rufus sweetie!

Rufus: *pulls from Casey before Reno could snap more pictures*

(note: read Lila's "**Kally's B-day**!" to get it)

Kari: *laughs as they leave* Did you get it?

Casey: *holds up Rufus' credit card* Uh huh! *they laugh and run off*

Yuffie: *runs back carrying a bird-cage* I got a red baby chocobo with greeny eyes! It looks like Reno!

Kally: Kewl! *peers into the cage at the tiny chocobo* Is it sleeping?

Yuffie: No, the shop owner said he was sleeping.

Sephiroth: Ummm, being someone who's killed a lot, I can tell if something's dead.

Rufus: *scarcastically* Oh that's a wonderful sixth sense!

Sephiroth: Silence, human! *walks up to the cage* Yup, it's dead.

Marlene: Daddy, what does 'dead' mean? It sounds bad! *starts wailing!*

Yuffie: But he said that it was just sleeping! *starts to tear*

Kally: It's ok, just go back and get your money back. And try to get a live chocobo one!

Sephiroth: Wait, it's still good for a chocolate chocobo!

Yuffie: *her face goes green and she runs off*

At Lily and Pyro's HQ....

???: *knocks on the door*

Lily: *opens the door* Reno! How nice of you to visit! Have you decided to leave Lila and join my side?

Reno: No, I just wanted to hear if we could hold a party for her here, and-

Lily: NO! *slams the door shut*

Reno: *knocks on the door* Umm, hellooooooo? My tie's caught in the door!

Lily: You don't WEAR ties! I'm not falling for that!

Reno: Crap! *leaves*

Pyro: *walks up* Was this I hear about a party for Lila?

Lily: That Reno! *steaming* All he does is talk about Lila! *makes a face* Lila, Lila, Lila!

Pyro: *whacks her on the side of the head*

Lily: *slaps him* That HURT!

Pyro: Hey! You do know that if you allowed the party to take place in the ballroom, then we'd have the advantage as this IS our place!

Lily: Oh. Oh well. *skips off*

Casey: Ooooo, why don't we get her a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig *stretches out her arms* cake?

Kari: Sure! Where would we find one?

Casey: Right there *points to the towering cake right in front of them*

A=Brat: Coming through! *flies down the isle with her shopping cart and bumps into the cake, knocking the entire thing onto Casey and Kari*

Kari: A=BRAT!!!

A=Brat: Oh, I'm so sorry! *barely stiffles a giggle*

Casey: *climbs out of the mess* Thanks, cuz. Now we can't get any food for Lila's birthday party!

A=Brat: Oh that's tomorrow, isn't it?

Kari: *scarcastically* No!

A=Brat: Oh, my bad. *runs off towards the ice cream isle, ready to do damage*

Kair: Well now we can't get a cake.

Casey: Don't worry, we'll just order one! *runs up to the counter that wasn't there before* Hi I'd like to order a cake, please?

Scarlet: *filing her nails* That's wonderful.

Kari: Scarlet?

Scarlet: Wait your turn, take a number.

Casey: Ummm, we're the only one's here.  *tumbleweed flies by*

Scarlet: Very well. What would you like? A cake?

Kari: Gee, you must be psycic.

Casey: Yes I want a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig *stretches out her arms* cake that says 'Happy Birthday Lila!' on it, and we need it by tomorrow, alright?

Scarlet. Gotcha. A biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig *stretches out her arms* cake, yada yada yada. You going to pay for it now?

Kari: Yep! *holds up Rufus' credit card*

Scarlet: *recognises the card* Smashing. Now,  just give me the card and I'll give it back to you when the cake is delivered.

Kari: *about the hand the card over, but snatches it back* Are you sure that's the way it's done?

Scarlet: It's the new policy. *swipes the card away*

Casey: Oh, alright. *she and Kari leave*

Scarlet: Hehe...*goes back to filing her nails*

Yuffie: *walks into the Nibleheim Pet Store* Hello, I'd like to register a complaint.

Reeve: *does not respond*

Yuffie: Helloooo, miss?

Reeve: What do you mean by 'miss'?

Yuffie: I have a cold. *ahem* I want to register a complaint*

Reeve: Sorry, we're closed. Go away.

Yuffie: Bite me, old man. *slams the cage on the counter* I have a complaint about this baby chocobo that you had sold me an hour ago.

Reeve: *blinks* Right, the flame-red Wutainian chocobo. What is wrong with it?

Yuffie: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, it's dead!

Reeve: Erm, no. He's just resting.

Yuffie: Look, I know a dead chocobo when I see one, actually Sephiroth does, and he told me this is a dead chocobo!

Reeve: No, he's not dead, he's just resting. *gestures to the bird* Wonderful breed, the flame-red Wutainians, aren't they? Just beautuful plumage.

Yuffie: The plumage doesn't matter. The bird is stone dead.

Reeve: Nononononono you're wrong, he's just resting!

Yuffie: Well if he's resting, I should be able to wake him up. *shouts at the cage* Hey chocobo! I've got some tasty greens for you if you just wake up.....*stops when Reeve whacks the cage*

Reeve: Look! He moved!

Yuffie: *glares* He didn't move! That was you hitting the cage!

Reeve: I never!

Yuffie: Yes you did!

Reeve: Did not!

Yuffie: Did TOO!

Reeve: I never did anything to the cage, Yuffie!

Yuffie: This is a dead chocobo! *shouts at the cage once more* WAKE UP! *opens the cage, takes out the chocobo, throws it in the air*

Both: *watch in anticipation*

*The poor chocobo plummets and lands with a timid 'thud' on the counter*

Yuffie: *looks up* Now that is a dead chocobo.

Reeve: No, he's just stunned!

Yuffie: 'Stunned'?

Reeve: Right! Erm, the flame-red Wutainians stun very easily. You stunned the poor creature just as he was waking up. *shakes his head* Tsk, tsk.

Yuffie: Listen here, when I bought this thing you told me that it was just exhausted from running around at the Gold Saucer's race track!

Reeve: *scratches the back of his head* Then he's probably just pinning for the Class S chocobos.

Yuffie: PINNING for the CLASS S CHOCOBOS? Not very likely! *points to the bird* And why did he fall down the instant I got home?

Reeve: The flame-red Wutainians just prefer to lay down. Remarkable bird, isn't it?

Yuffie: I was looking closely to the cage and I noticed that it was hanging by a thread before it fell down! *places her hands on her hips* Now why is that?

Reeve: Of course I tied him to the cage. Otherwise he would've slipped right through the bars and ZOOM! He'd be gone in a second.

Yuffie: 'Zoom'? This thing wouldn't 'zoom' even if you blasted it with every materia there was! It's frickin' dead!

Reeve: No no no! He's just pinning!

Yuffie: This chocobo is not pinning! He is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and has gone back to the Planet. He's met his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in pease! If you hadn't tied the poor thing to the cage, he'd be pushing up the flowers right now in the slums! His meabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig, kicked the ****ing bucket, shuffled off his mortal coil! He's run down the curtain and joined the frickin' choir invisible. He is extinct! THIS IS AN EX-CHOCOBO!

Reeve: *pauses* Well, I suppose I better replace it theen.

Yuffie: *out of breath* You......................think?

Reeve: *goes into the back*

Yuffie: *steals from the cash register*

Reeve: *returns* Sorry, that was the last of them flame-red Wutainians.

Yuffie: Oh.

Reeve: *holds up a rock* I've got some pet rocks left, though.

Yuffie: Does it wark?

Reeve: *looks at the rock* Noooooooo, not really.

Yuffie: WELL THEN IT'S NOT MUCH OF A ****ING REPLACEMENT IS IT?

Reeve: Don't shout! You'll hurt it's feelings! *pets the rock* There there, she didn't mean those nasty words.

* * * * *

On the Highwind....

Lila: *is sitting by herself in the middle of the floor in the cockpit drawing on the floor with some crayons*

Crew member: Erm, miss? I'm not sure if you're allowed to do that....

Lila: Don't worry, I'm not. *goes back to drawing a picture of Reno*

Crew member: Shouldn't you be associating with your friends instead of sitting here?

Lila: Reno's meeting me for a date in a few minutes. *swoons* I can't wait!

Reno: Hey losers! *enters the cockpit wearing an impressively clean uniform*

Lila: RENO! *flies into his arms*

Reno: *thinks* (Boy, Casey's going to severely owe me for being the distraction.....)

Crew member: Thank goodness. Please take her away. *gestures to the wall, which is now a very detailed mural* She's been driving us insane here.

Reno: *stares at the mural* Did you get bored?

Lila: Just a tad. I wanna go to a restaurant! Take me to Wutai!

Reno: *looks at his wallet* (She's going to have to pay me back too...)

* * * * *

Kari: I'll get it! *runs to the phone before it even rings* Yo?

Lily: (Yuck, not Kari!) Kari, darling. I'm calling to offer you ladies the use of my grand ballroom!

Kari: Yeah? What's the catch?

Lily: There's no catch...*coughexceptforyourlivescough*

Kari: Nasty cold?

Lily: Um, yeah, sure. Can I talk to Kally?

Kally: *snatches the phone away* Hullo?

Lily: Waaaaaaazzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!

Kally: So you're letting us use your place?

Lily: Of course I am! Why wouldn't I want to do something for (erk!) Lila?

Kally: Thank you so much! We'll be over right away to get the decorations up!

Lily: See you soon! Byeeeeeeee! *hangs up*

Kally: Hey guys! We're going over to Lily's place! She's letting us use her place!

Casey: *shivers* I have a sudden feeling of independing doom....

Sephiroth: Living with you, that's how I feel most of the time, Cas.

Casey: Aw, thanks! *hugs Sephiroth, unaware that she's been insulted*

Elsewhere......

Pyro: Yes! They're coming over! We're going to finally trap them!

Lily: We're using traps?

Pyro: *blinks* What did you have in mind?

Lily: Well, I was kind of hoping that we'd invite the PRO over, seeing as how he spends all of his free time attempting to murder Casey.

Pyro: But that's MY job!

Lily: Yeah but you suck at it, and he actually tries! Besides, once Casey's out of the picture, I'll have no problem getting at Lila.

Pyro: What about Kari and Kally?

Lily: Oh, Kari doesn't care what happens, and Kally refuses to be a part of this war, so she won't interfere. Is there any point to this scene?

Pyro: *sighs* Not really. Casey just wanted to expand the fic.

Lily: I see. *cackles evilly and phones the PRO*

* * * * *

Lila: *drags Reno into the streets of Wutai* Oh Reno, don't you just adore this place?

Reno: Yeah, sure Lila. *his gaze wanders up to the mountain* (Hey that's where Donny-boy had tied up Elena and the brat. I wonder if I can call him up here and....wait, Casey would kill me, wouldn't she?)

Lila: C'mon! *pulls the Turk into a restaurant by his hair*

Waiter: Greetings. Seating for two?

Reno: *sees through the disguise and whispers* Rude? What gives?

Rude: *whispers back* Elena and I accidently blew the place up while trying to destroy the aliens. So Tseng's making us work here until we pay our debt.

Reno: Kally's making you work here, isn't she?

Rude: Yeah, but I had you fooled for a second. *normal voice* May I recomend the table between the fireplace and the window? It's got a lovely view, and it's the only table that's clean.

Lila: Kewl! *drags Reno over to the table and picks up a menu*

Reno: *dully picks up his menu* (These are all in french! I don't know french!) Eeny-meeny-miny-mo........*his finger lands on the Chat Salade* I'll have whatever that is! (Urg, I bet that's going to be gross)

(A/N: I'm not sure if I got that right, but it's supposed to mean cat salad)

Lila: *giggles* Doesn't he just sound professional when he speaks in french? Lesse...I'll have a cheeseburger.

Reno: *looks up* They have cheeseburgers here? I want that!

Rude: Too late, you ordered Cat Salad, so Cat Salad is what you get! *walks off*

Reno: *looks at Lila with panic on his face* Did he just say what I though he said? Cat salad? CAT salad?

Rude: *walks into the kitchen* Alright, cat salad and a cheeseburger are what they've ordered. Cook that up!

Elena: *glares* I don't want to cook! Turks don't cook!

Rude: Nor do they wait on other Turks or obsessive teenage fans! Now cook!

Elena: No! YOU cook and I'll be the waitress! *throws the spatula at Rude*

* * * * *

Casey: Somebody answer the door!

Vincent: But no one has knocked.

???: *knocks*

Casey: *sticks her tongue out*

Vincent: *grumbles as is about to open the door when it slams in his face*

Scarlet: Greetings! *waltzes in with a perky smile* I've brought the cake. *snaps her fingers and Palmer pulls in a trolley-thing that's got a huge cake on it*

Palmer: *sniffs* It's not a lard cake...I want lard......

Kari: Ummm, that's not the cake we wanted.

Scarlet: Is too!

Kari: Is not!

Scarlet: Is too!

Kari: Not!

Scarlet: Too!

Sephiroth: What's wrong with the cake? Is it made of Jenova parts?

Kari: No, it says 'We hope you die, Lila!' on it.

Vincent: Alright Scarlet! *gives her a high five*

Tifa: That's not nice!

Scarlet: Duh!

Casey: We've got to fix it! We can't give her a cake with that on it!

Rufus: Sure we can. It's easy!

Kally: Rufus! *whacks him*

Aeris: Well, let's worry about the cake later. We've got to get the ballroom all set up.

Casey: Of course! Let's go, gang!

Barret: We're not your gang!

Cid: *looks at Cloud* Have you noticed that nobody is asking the big question here?

Cloud: And what's that?

Cid: 'Why the heck are we going to have a party at LILY and PYRO's?'

Cloud: You're right! Oh well, I think that Casey has a plan.

Cid: *groans* We're doomed.

Rufus: Hey, what are you doing with my credit card, Scarlet?

Scarlet: *screams in terror as he raises his shotgun*

[This scene will be censored by a lot of anime clouds and a bunch of nice words like "BAM!" and "POW!", and poor Scarlet has, um, sadly parted with our world....]

Tifa: Rufus!

Rufus: What?

Tifa: You didn't let me help!

Palmer: Hey hey! Can I come too?

* * * * *

Elena: Here are your orders. *unmercifully tosses the orders onto the table*

Reno: *stares in shocked disgust at the meat of a cat sitting in the salad*

Lila: FOOD! *digs into her meal*

Elena: *smirks* Well Reno, what's wrong? Don't you like what's in front of you? *barely manages to stifle a giggle*

Reno: *his face turns green*

* * * * *

Pyro: *opens the door* Greetings, gang! Welcome to our HQ!

Yuffie: *wanders in* Why the heck is this place red?

Pyro & Lily: We LIKE that color. *both glare at Yuffie*

Casey: It would look much better in blue.

Kally: I agree. Let's get some paint!

Lily: Hold it! We didn't say that you could paint the ballroom.

Kari: I'll go grab the paint! *runs off*

Lily: *looks at Pyro* We have a problem.

Pyro: We do. Oh well, we'll just have to kill them.

A=Brat: We were going to anyway.

Lily: I know, but now we really mean it!

Aeris: Casey, I think we have a problem.

Casey: What's that?

Cloud: Well, for starters, we're holding the party here, the cake is screwed up, and we've got no present for her! Besides, nobody seems to care that it's my birthday tomorrow too!

Aeris & Tifa: *kisses Cloud* Happy early birthday Cloud!

Cloud: *faints happily with hearts circling his head*

Kari: Well, that's his birthday present. *stuffs him into a closet so that he wouldn't get in the way*

Yuffie: *looks at Kari* What happened with the paint?

Kari: *whispers* Bad accident coming through the kitchen. By the way, don't drink the punch.

Kally: Now we need to decorate! I nominate Rufus, Sephiroth and Cid!

Nanaki: *blinks* Are you sure that's a good idea? *nods to Sephiroth, who's hanging a skull and crossbones sign with the worlds 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' on it over the stage*

Kally: Of course! *ties a big pink ribbon around his neck* Now you look all pretty!

* * * * *

Reno: *forces down another bite* Glump!

Elena: What kind of a noise is 'Glump?'

Reno: The one I just made. Now go fetch me a pop, bar slave!

Elena: *grumbles and walks off*

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: *walk in front of the couple at the table with a violin and a bass violin*

Jessie: *starts singing a wonderful song as the other two play*

Lila: *sighs* How romantic!

Reno: (How pathetic)

K-os: *walks in* ARRRRG! Music! I hate music! *kills the trio*

Lila: Hey!

Reno: *jumps up and shakes his hand* Thank you...mister, K-os?

Lila: What are YOU doing here?

Reno: Yeah, I thought you were Casey's nemesis.

K-os: I am! I'm here to spoil her surprise! *strikes a dramatic pose*

Lila: What...surprise?

K-os: But what are you doing together? I thought Reno didn't like you...

Lila: What.....?

K-os: Oh, I see. Reno only came here because he's being forced to...

Lila: You're lying! *bursts into tears* Reno, say that isn't true!

Reno: *with a monotone* Ok, that isn't true.

Lila: *gasp* You fraud! *runs from the restaurant*

Elena: *returns with the pop* What just happened here?

Reno: *shrugs* I just did as she told me to, and she freaked out.

K-os: She's not very stable, is she?

Elena: *pours the pop on him* You jerk! She's going to see her surprise too soon!

Lila: *runs up to Casey's Little World and starts banging on the door* Casey! Guess what happened? *realises she's not home* I bet Pyro did something to her! I've got to stop him! *runs of to Lila and Pyro's HQ*

* * * * *

Elena: *runs into the ballroom dragging Reno by his ear* Has Lila come by yet?

Everyone else: *looks up*

Sephiroth: Did you guys lose Lila?

Elena: *nods*

Sephiroth: Sweet.

Casey: You guys WHAT?

Reno: K-os' fault!

Pyro: Alright K-os!

Lily: *elbows Pyro in the ribs and whispers* That wasn't part of the plan!

Pyro: Ow! *whacks her back*

A=Brat: *kicks Aeris*

Aeris: What was that for?

A=Brat: Sorry, I felt left out.

Kally: So Lila's coming her soon, right?

Reno: *releases himself from Elena's grip* Probably.

Casey: *screams* We're not ready yet!

Lily: Well I suggest that you hurry because Lila's coming up to the door soon.

Casey: What?

Kari: How can you tell?

Lily: I always know when my prey-er...friends are around.

Reno: Quick! Hide me from her! *attempts to run off but Kally holds him back*

Kally: No way, sweetie. We've got something special planned for YOU.

Lily: I'll go answer the door. *walks off*

Nanaki: *looks at the others* We're in trouble.

* * * * *

Ex-Death: Yo boss!

The PRO: What?

Ex-Death: What are we doing in a grocery store? Weren't we supposed to crash a little girl's birthday party and take out a whiner?

The PRO: Yup.

Ex-Death: Then what's with HazardWay?

The PRO: We're out of green paint and a few items. No go shut up and help Gilgamesh in the dairy section.

Kari: Why do we have FFV charactors in here?

Kally: Shhhh! We're not in this scene!

Ex-Death: *grumbles and wanders over to Gilgamesh*

Gilgamesh: You know, now that I think about it you look a lot like Sephiroth.

Ex-Death: Just shut up and pass me the milk.

* * * * *

Lila: *starts banging on Lily's door* Lily!

Lily: *opens the door* Yeeees?

Lila: *still banging, unaware that she's now beating on Lily* Open the door!

Lily: QUIT IT! *Lila stops, barely fighting off a smirk*

Tifa: *listening in* Shhh...she's at the door!

Casey: Reno, go apologise to her!

Reno: *whines* But why?

Scarlet: Wanna take me out instead?

Reno: *sweatdrop*

Cid: *whispers* I thought that &#@^ was dead.

Casey: Shhh! Reno's not supposed to remember that!

Kally: Just take her to the Gold Saucer, and if you do anything......*motions to Scarlet* I'll let her at you!

Scarlet: *puckers her lips and flashes her eyebrows at Reno*

Rufus: MY EYES! *turns away and runs, along with the rest of the males*

* * * * *

Lila: I give up, why DID the chocobo cross the road?

Lily: *sighs* (Am I going to have to distract her forever?)

Reno: Lila! *bounces out the door*

Lila: Reno! You're ok!

Reno: *stops* Ummm, yeah. You saved me from the witch. *deadpan* Go Lila.

Lily: Hey! What did I do to deserve this?

Lila: You're right, she IS a witch!

Lily: I'm NOT a witch!

Lila: *points at Lily and shrieks* WITCH!

Biggs: Did I hear witch? We have ourselves a witch!

Wedge: A witch! Burn her! Burn her!

Lily: *rolls her eyes* The things I put up with....

Jessie: Burn her at the stake!

Lila: Hah!

*And the trio drags Lily off*

Jessie: Bugenhagen! We've found a witch! May be burn her?

Biggs, Wedge: Burn her! Burn her!

Bugenhagen: *looks at her* How do you know she is a witch?

Wedge: She looks like one! *motions to Lily, who's dressed in a black dress*

Lily: I am NOT a witch! I am not a witch!

Bugenhagen: Why are you dressed up like that?

Lily: It's their fault! *points at the trio* They changed my clothing with that materia of their's!

Biggs: *subtly tosses the Make-Lily-Look-Like-A-Witch materia off a cliff*

Jessie: Where'd that cliff come from?

Biggs: *shrugs*

Wedge: But she's still a witch!

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: Burn her! Burn her!

Bugenhagen: Did you three dress her up like this?

Wedge: No-

Jessie: Yes-

Biggs: No!

Wedge: Well, maybe we did. But she has got a wart.

Lily: *gasps* I do NOT!

Bugenhagen: Why do you think she is a witch?

Biggs: She turned me into a Cactaur!

Bugenhagen: A Cactaur?

Biggs: ....................*after looking at himself for a looooong time*........................Well I got better..…..

Wedge: **BURN HER ANYWAY!**

Bugenhagen: Now calm down, there's a way of telling whether she's a witch or not...

Jessie: You sure? 'Cause I can show you  her wart....

Lily: I don't have a wart!

Bugenhagen: Now what do you do with witches?

Biggs: You burn them!

Bugenhagen: And what else do you burn besides witches?

Wedge: MORE WITCHES!

Jessie: Hmmm, what about wood?

Bugenhagen: Very good! You get a star! *Jessie beams* Now why do you think witches burn?

Biggs: Cause they're made of wood?

Wedge: I see! Now we've got to see if she's made of wood!

Lily: I can see that this conversation has lost control....

Jessie: Doesn't wood float?

Bugenhagen: Yes it does! 

Wedge: So let's throw her in the pond! If she floats, she's a witch!

Biggs: To the pond!

Bugenhagen: Wait wait wait, what also floats?

Biggs: Wedge!

Wedge: Me!

Biggs: Earthquakes!

Wedge: Very small rocks!

Jessie: A duck?

Biggs, Wedge: Ooooooooo….. *stare at Jessie in amazement at her intelligence*

Bugenhagen: Exactly! So.......

Jessie: If she weighs the same as a duck,

Wedge: Then she's a witch!

Bugenhagen: *stares in disbelief* _How_ did you know that?

Wedge: *beams* I looked at Jessie's script and took her line!

Jessie: *glares at Wedge* So we need a scale, right?

Lily: Ummmm, can I go home now?

Bugenhagen: You may use my scale. Nanaki made it for me.

Lily: Ummmm, that means it's not that great of a scale, does it?

Wedge, Biggs: TO THE SCALE! *drags Lily to the scale and Jessie puts a duck on the other balance-thingy*

*Lily and the duck both sway slightly, but eventually come to balance evenly*

Lily: IT'S NOT FAIR! THE SCALE HAS BEEN FIXED!

Bugenhagen: Now Lily, it's not nice to lie.

Zack: *slips away from the scene grinning and holding a wrench* Heh heh…..

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: She's a witch! A witch! Burn her! *drags Lily off*

* * * * *

The PRO: *bursts into Lily and Pyro's HQ* Prepare to die, Casey!

*Lighting flashes behind him*

Casey: *calmly looks up* _What_ are you doing here?

Pyro: *sweatdrop* Erm.....*drags the PRO into another room* Not yet! *returns*

A=Brat: I wonder where Lily went to.

Cait Sith: I wonder why Casey even has this scene!

Casey: *sticks her tongue out* 'Cause I wanna!

Cloud: *bangs on the inside of the closet door* I want out! I want out! I want out!

Scarlet: *opens the door, kisses Cloud, closes the door*

Barret: What 

Palmer: The

Barret: Freakin'

Palmer: Heck,

Barret: Happened?

Palmer: LARD!

*We hear a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery loud scream scream from Cloud*

Cloud: **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!** *passes out*

Tifa: *sighs and looks at Casey* Shall we switch scenes?

Casey: We shall!

Sephiroth: Where do you want this fake blood?

Vincent: I'll take it!

Sephiroth: *pulls away* No! It's for the decorations!

Vincent: I vant the blood! *chases after Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: EEEK! *flees*

* * * * *

Lila: Oh look! There's a play tonight! Let's go! *drags Reno by his hair into the stadium* Hi are we the hundredth couple?

Reno: *through strangled gasps* We're_...not_....a...couple...

Usher: I'm sorry, but you're couple # 42, and erk! *is grabbed by the neck and thrown off the set*

Zidane: *comes onto the set in an usher's uniform* Why, yes! You're the hundredth couple tonight! You get to play the leads in our performance tonight!

Reno: And why are you in this fic?

Zidane: *whispers* Casey needed new characters. This was Kari's idea.

Reno: Really?

Zidane: No, but enjoy your date.

Lila: *squeals and drags Reno off*

* * * * *

Kari: Casey, why are we coming to watch this?

Pyro: Do I need to come too?

Casey: Yes you do! We're here to watch Lila have fun on her date!

Pyro: *sighs* Fine. *puts on wide-eyed glasses and falls asleep*

Reno: *from offstage* It's not a date!

Kally: And we're gonna take pictures to give to her later!

A=Brat: Um, it'll be too dark to take pictures.

Kally: I know. I just wanna mess up the characters with the blinding flash. Y'see, I doubled and tripled the power to the flash. *grins evilly*

Kari: So who's decorating?

*cut to Cloud, who's running away from one of Sephiroth's 'decorations'...*

Pyro: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Kari: Look it's starting!

**END OF CHAPTER 1!**

Casey's Note: Wow, I'm making a multi-chaptered birthday ficcy!!!! If you are the least bit of a responsible reader (and you BETTER), then sign the review box-a-ma-jig and wish Lila a happy birthday! I'll post the actual party later.


	2. 

**LILA'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY BASH!**

Casey's Note: My goodness this is long! But it's funny! My brother Pyro is forcing me to admit that some of the credit should go to him. He's been helping out with this and throwing in some ideas. Stupid Pyro….trying to take my spotlight…….*grumbles*

* * * * *

*At the Theatre in the Gold Saucer….*

Princess Garnet: *voice comes on as the narration* Long, long ago..... An evil force casted it's shadow over the peaceful Kingdom of Alexandria...

Offstage voice: Hey it's Galdia!

Princess Garnet: Not anymore, buddy! *returns to sweet narration voice* Princess Lily-

Lila's: *from offstage* Use a better name!

Princess Garnet: *audio sigh* Princess Lila-

Lila: *giggles from offstage*

Princess Garnet: Princess Lila was just captured by the Evil Frog, Fred!

Offstage voice: Frog!?!?! Fred!?!?!

Princess Garnet: I couldn't think of anything else. So the Princess was captured by a frog. What will become of her?

Reno: *from offstage* She's going to be eaten alive!

Lila: *from offstage* Hey! *audio slap*

Princess Garnet: Just then, the Legenday Hero, Rena appears!

Reno: It's RenO, lady!

Heidigger: *comes onstage as the Knight, only he's wearing a tutu*

Reno: *reluctantly follows* Why are you wearing that?

Heidigger: They couldn't find the Knight's uniform. *ahen* Oh, you must be the Legenday Hero, Rena! *snickers*

Reno: *glares* Yeah sure, I'm Legendary of course! *girls in the audience squeals*

Kari: There's FFVII characters onstage!

Casey: Yeah, I decided that they should take part.

Kally: Why?

Casey: 'Cause I like to see them suffer!

Kally: I see. *grins*

Heidigger: *does a curtsey* You're here to save Princess Rosa-Lila, aren't you? Please, speak to the King!

Reno: *whines* But I don't wanna!

Rufus: *prances onstage, proudly sporting his royal clothing*

Kari: And I just suppose it's an accident that Rufus happened to be the King?

Casey: Yup! *nod nod nod*

Heidigger: *bows*

Rufus: *grins, then looks at Reno* Bow to me.

Reno: *long pause* .........................No.

Rufus: *whacks Reno on the head with his staff and Reno falls to his knees, barely conscious* Good peasant. *ahem* Oh Legendary Hero, Reno. You have come to save the beautiful Princess Lila...on the peak of a dangerous mountain....dwells the big bad frog.....Fred.

Heidigger: Frogs dwell on mountains?

Rufus: Fine, he's in a big mushy swamp with the Princess.

Lila: *from offstage* My dress will be ruined!

Rufus: *sighs* Then he's from a big luxurious castle.

Kally: But frogs can't afford castles! *blinds Rufus with the camera*

Rufus: I DON'T CARE! *sob* This frog does. He's evil, k?

Reno: Just get on with it.

Rufus: *is about to whack Reno again, but the thought of Lila scared him* Heidigger?

Heidigger: *gladly snatches the staff*

Lila: *from offstage* Touch him and die!

Rufus: Oh well. *turns back to Reno* You can't defeat the measily frog now....

Reno: Why?

Rufus: Cause you're a wimp, and you're stepping on my lines.

Lily: *from offstage* No, I am! *stomps happily on Rufus' script that he left behind*

Rufus: Talk to the one who can help you.

Reno: *long pause* .............No.

Rufus: *sighs*

Scarlet: *comes onstage as a witch*

Biggs, Wegdge, Jessie: A witch! *tackles Scarlet to the ground and drags her off the stage*

*We hear a long scream as Scarlet has, um, sadly parted with our world.....again.....*

Rufus: *looks at Reno* Well, that doesn't leave you much choice, does it?

Reno: You think I would've gone to her in the first place?

Rufus: *scarcastically long pause* .................Yes.

Reno: *sighs and walks over to the man in the tutu* Yo Ballet-man!

Heidigger: *bows* I am...a lowly Knight....

Rufus: *snorts in agreement*

Heidigger: How may I help you?

Reno: Well, you can gimme your wallet for one, and then you can tell me how to defeat the........the King!

Rufus: Huh?

Princess Garnet: *sighs* This is taking forever. Ooops I left the mike on! *returns to sweet voice* oh what is going to happen next? Oh....Legendary Hero.....look!

Hojo: *twirls onto the stage in a bunny outfit carrying Lila*

Reno and Rufus: AAAAHHHH! MONSTER! *points in fear*

Hojo: No that's Jenova.

Rufus: We weren't talking about you.

*blinding flash comes from somewhere in the audience*

Heidigger: *stares in dissapointment* Where's the frog?

Hojo: They lost the outfit. *clears his throat*  What ho! Do you dare ignore the Evil Frog???

Kari: You're a bunny rabit!

Hojo: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I have not harmed the Princess,

Lila: Actually you did. *holds up a finger, which has been scratched*

Hojo: I've have been expecting you, Reno!

Rufus: *snickers* That sounds very wrong.

Reno: What do you mean you've been expecting me? _You_ came _here_!

Lila: Please help me, Legendary hero! *giggles*

Reno: *whines* Do I have to?

Hojo: Tell me, Reno. Who is your enemy??? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Who do you hate?

Heidigger: You like doing that, don't you?

Hojo: *nod nod nod* Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Reno: *thinks for a minute* I hate....um.....

Rufus: *leans in a whispers* You hate Lila.......

Reno: I hate...Li-*gets a deathglare* I hate Rufus!

Rufus: You what? *bursts into tears*

Casey: *runs on stage* Rufus! *hugs him* Don't worry, at least I don't hate you.

Lila: Stop it, Reno! What are you doing?

Reno: *grins happily and laughs at Rufus*

Kally: *looks at the others* I think we should start the party before they cause any more trouble.

Kari: *points towards the stage and pouts* But I wanna see them fight!

Hojo: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I am sick of being ignored!

Lila: Oh you shut, you, you blabbermouth! *knocks Hojo off the stage and turns to Reno* Reno! You saved me!

Heidigger: Geh, heh heh, that's the end, folks!

Pyro: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

A=Brat: *looks at Pyro and giggles* Someone pass me a marker!

* * * * *

Lila: *runs into the ballroom and squeals* It's so beautiful!

Everyone else: *follow and stare in disbelief at the room; it's been decorated complete, with a glittering gold floor, a very detailed stage, long gold curtains hanging along the wall from the ceilings, and a beautiful arrangement of food on one side. Fancy chairs and tables are gathered on the same side, leaving the other side open for a dance floor*

Sephiroth: *grabs Cloud by the collar* You ruined my decorations! Where is my birthday sign?

Cloud: *points to the sign above the door that's impossible to miss and Sephiroth grins before gently letting him down*

Lily: *jumps onto the stage* If I may have your attention,

Lila: *panicks and screams* IT'S LILY! RUUUUUUUUUUUUN! *notices no one else is panicking so she calms down*

Lily: It's a great honour to be able to hold this party for such a *pauses and forces her next words out* wonderful person,

Lila: *visibly cringes*

Lily: So I think we should make some charactors sing a song for her! 

Reno: *looks at his fellow Turks* I have this independing feeling of doom. She's going to make me sing! *pouts*

Lily: But I know that Reno won't sing tonight, so we'll have Aeris, Tifa, Cloud, Rufus and Sephiroth sing for her!

Rufus: *stares in disbelief* Huh?

Casey: *swoons* He's gonna sing! *pushes him onstage with the other singers*

Kally: Hey weren't you going to be burnt at the stake?

Lily: *shrugs* My element is fire. It can't hurt me, remember?

Kally: Riiiight.

Reno: She didn't pick me! I can't believe she didn't pick me! Everyone knows that I always sing for her. Wait, this is a good thing, Reno. Yes it is. *nods* You don't need to sing, she still loves you, right? *goes on mumbling to himself*

Aeris: Ready, guys?

Tifa, Cloud, Sephiroth: *nods* Ready!

Rufus: *deadpan* Whee.

Writin' Lots Of Fanfiction 

(sing to the tune of "Livin' La Vida Loca")

**                                          Tifa:**

                                                                        She's into F-F-Seven,

                                                                        The Turks and fanfiction,

                                                                        She loves the Seventh Heaven,

                                                                        But Reno's her addiction.

Reno: *sniffs*  _I'm_ supposed to sing….

Casey: *pats him on the back* Poor baby. 

                                                        **Cloud:**

                                                                        "She doesn't seem to like me,

                                                                        And I'll always wonder why.

                                                                        If I am in a cool new story,

                                                                        She'll just cringe and pass me by."

                                                        **Aeris:**

                                                                        "She'll make you laugh your head off

                                                                        And believe that she's insane.

                                                                        She writes about our crazy lives,

                                                                        Making you laugh until you're in pain."

                                                        **Rufus:**

                                                                        *groans and interrupts* "She's like a bullet to the brain……"

Reno: And she doesn't even _like_ Cloud! Why does _he_ get to sing?

Kari: Awwww, does Reno-baby wanna sing for Lila?

Reno: *blushes* No I don't!

                                                        **All:**

                                                                        "Final Fantasy!

                                                                        She's writin' lots of fanfiction!

                                                                        She'll type and post away!

                                                                        Writin' lots of fanficion!

                                                                        What goes on inside her head?

                                                                        Keep out of the kitchen!

                                                                        She will make you laugh,

                                                                        Writin' lots of fanfiction!

                                                                        Writin' lots of fanfiction!

                                                      She's writin' lots of fanfiction!"

                                          **Rufus:**

                                                      "Why the heck _am_ I singing,

                                                      In a pathetic birthday story?

                                                      She killed my pride and took my poor gun,

                                                      What happened to my glory?"

Reno: *silently fumes*

                                          **Sephiroth:**

                                                      "She will always want to destroy Cloud

                                                      So she's number one in my book.

                                                      *gives up* La la la la, la la la la

                                                      La la la la la la la

                                                      Yeah, she'll make you go insane!"

Lila: *sniffs* That was great! *all the singers bow, while Sephiroth chases after Cloud with his masamune*

Pyro: *claps, sorta, and comes on the stage* Wow, that was uh….nice. *looks at Lily* Shall we bring out _our_ gift?

Lila: OH NO! I KNEW IT! *runs off screaming* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yuffie: Well she should've seen that coming.

Casey: Reno, call her back!  
Reno: Fine. Oh, Li-

Lila: *runs back road-runner style* You called?

Reno: You never gave me a chance to…

Pyro: Awww, this is touching. I'm bored. Yo PRO! You can come out now!

Casey: Uh oh.

The PRO: *suddenly appears out of nowhere* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kari: Your would-be assassinator shows up and all you can say is "Uh oh"?

Casey: *nods* Pretty much, yeah. 

Cloud: *runs by, with Sephiroth close behind* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The PRO: Now I'll finally get you, Casey! I'm not the world's best assassin for nothin'! Giglamesh! Ex-Death! *points at Casey* Sic her!

Casey: Um, I think I'll just go for a walk…. *runs, with the two FFV characters on her tail*

Lila: PRO! Call them off! It's my birthday! *bursts into tears*

Yuffie: Yeah! We wanna break!

The PRO: Fine. *breaks their weapons*

Barret: That's just a bad pun there, foo'!

The PRO: I know, *grins*

Barret: Wait a minute, if you broke all of our weapons, then what happened to my arm?

[Umm, Barret will now be leaving this fic to go to the Midgar Hospital, but don't worry. Hojo will take gooooood care of him…]

Sephiroth: You broke my sword! *starts crying*

A=Brat: I think that this fic has totally lost control here.

Kari: *smiles sweetly* Punch, A=Brat?

Yuffie: Oh by the way, Lila. I got you a present. *holds up the pet rock* I hope you like it.

Lila: Sure do, thanks Yuffie! *whips the rock towards Lily's head* Heh heh…

Lily: Whoops! *ducks and Pyro gets hit*

Pyro: Ow! *rubs his head* Now what does this have to do with the fic?

Casey: *pauses from her running* It's cause I'm the author.

Ex-Death: Got her! *throws a net over Casey*

Cid: Well that was a *^&*& stupid thing to do.

Vincent: I'm amazed she even learned to turn the computer on.

Casey: K now I feel stupid.

Kari: _NOW_?

Casey: Ok, you be quiet! Hey you're supposed to be on my side here!

The PRO: Well, thank you all for a lovely evening, and I hope I didn't ruin anyone's plans.

Lila: Um, you crashed my party for one thing.

The PRO: Oh, sorry. Happy Birthday! *hands Lila a picture of Reno* Hope that makes up for it! *leaves with the FFV characters and his prisoner*

Lila: No problem! *squeals and hugs the picture*

Aeris: What is an assassin doing with a picture of another guy?

Tifa: I dunno but it kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Lily: Well, shall we resume our celebration?

Pyro: *rubs his bruise* Why not?

Everyone: *sits down and eats, Casey long forgotten*

[Ten minutes later……..]

Rufus: Something doesn't feel quite correct….

Vincent: I agree. It's just a little too…..

Kally: Quiet?

Vincent: Yeah!

Kari: I wonder why?

Lila: OMG Casey! *jumps up* We've got to save her!

Pyro: No no! Calm down Lila, it's your birthday! You shouldn't be worrying over trivial things like that.

Kari: You're just saying that because Casey's your sister.

Pyro: *shrugs* So? Now that Casey is out of our hair,

Lily: I'll have no trouble destroying our nemesis! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

Lila: That's not a good thing, is it?

Tifa: Probably not.

Lila: Ok, *screams and runs from the room*

Lily: *looks at Pryo* She does that a lot.

Pyro: I've noticed.

Lily: But don't worry. Her food's been poisoned. 

Yuffie: Um, should I mention that whenever the bad guy – or in this case, girl, uses poison, it never works?

Lily: *pales* That's not good.

Pyro: Ummm, you _did_ poison the right plate, didn't you?

Reno: *looks at his plate* Oh God. *falls out of his chair* Gahhhhhhh! Glah! My throat! It burns! Ahhhhhhhh! *closes his eyes*

Everyone: *stares in shock*

Aeris: You killed Reno!

Tifa: You *%$^#.

Lily: I didn't mean to, I *breaks down* I loved Reno! That's why I always used him in my plans against Lila!

Pyro: And to spite her…

Lily: That too!  
Reno: *blinks* Nah….I'm just kidding. I'm alright! *laughs and sits back in his chair*

Nanaki: Now that was a rather pointless scene.

A=Brat: So if you didn't poison Lila's food and Reno is ok, then who was poisoned?

Vincent: *suddenly gags and falls over*

Kari: Well that's no surprise.

Elena: And why is that?

Kari: Cause Vincent's her least favorite charator. She _hates_ him as much as Lila hates Cloud.

Cloud: Would everyone just stop bringing that up?

Cid: Hey when did you show up?

Cloud: Good question.

Tifa: We never knew she hated him.

Kari: One of her many secrets!

Rufus: Hey, you two just killed an important member of Shinra!

Pyro: But we didn't mean it!

Aeris: I thought he didn't work for ShinRa anymore…

Rufus: *shrugs* Well he was never officially fired. Guards!

Rude, Elena, and Reno: *handcuff the BTs and begin to drag them out*

Lily: You'll never stop us! I'll be back!

Pyro: And at least I got Casey!

Kally: *waves* Bye bye!

Lily: I thought you were my friend, Kally!

Kally: I still am, I'm just waiting for the dessert first! *waves again as the BTs are dragged out*

Lila: *peers around the corner* Are they gone yet?

Tifa: Yes they just left. Would you like some birthday cake!

Lila: Sure! *pauses* Why is the icing all messed up?

Rufus: Blame the catering service.

Cloud: Actually you can't because she was killed.

Kari: And twice!

Yuffie: So lemme get this straight; we waited this whole fic for those two to make their move, and it took one little mistake for them to get sent to jail?

Kally: Basically yes. Happy Birthday Lila!

Everyone else but Lila: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LILA!!!!

Reno: Screw it. *wraps his arms around Lila and kisses her on the cheek* Happy birthday!

Lila: *blushes* Awww, thanks everyone!

[Ten minutes later}

Aeris: Hey, what about Casey?

Everyone else: Uh oh! *runs out of the room after the PRO*

The End!

* * * * *

_Casey: Happy Birthday Lila! It took me two long chapters but I had fun writing this! Too bad everyone forgot about me, but I had been promising the PRO for a couple of months to use the FFV characters as his followers. _

_Pyro: So how come you won't give me any cool followers?_

Casey: Cause you're mean! *bops Pyro on the head with a nearby chair* Now, could everyone do me a big favour and leave a message to Lila in your review? Thanks very much! Oh, I should probably make a disclaimer right now:

DISCLAIMER: The FFV & FFVII characters belong to the almighty Squaresoft, and parodies were made of Monty Python, the famous theatre scene in FFVII and Livin' La Vida Loca, and the different characters belong to themselves.


End file.
